Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have peed in a lot of sinks
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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