I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
