Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I need to sanitize my soul.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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