I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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