I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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