Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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