I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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