she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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