you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
