White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
