I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
