Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
dude. I can hear the air.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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