I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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