I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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