I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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