Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
