How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
