my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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