so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
