mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
