I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
