every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
