I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
