I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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