I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
