My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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