It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
