Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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