I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
