So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
