I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
