; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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