once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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