Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
