i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
