I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
