Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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