I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
