She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
