Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
