waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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