note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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