i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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