Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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