i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
