I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
