we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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