her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
