have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
