Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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