Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
