onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
