What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
BRING THE BAGELS
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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