I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
