Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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