even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
