Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
