A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
