Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
