Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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