i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
