That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
