Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
