Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
